My Third "Parent"

My Ninang and me (2010)

One of the reasons I decided to move back in with my family was to be able to free myself up for the next few months from the stress of finding a job so I could focus on spending time with my Godmother/Aunt Dolores who's suffering from Cancer. I figured I could drive out to her home in Placentia and cook for her or take her out for Mexican food — her favorite cuisine — try to get her to eat and keep her strength up because her recent chemotherapy sessions were taking their toll on her body and her appetite.

My Ninang lost her battle Cancer last Tuesday, October 18th at around 4am. The Lord called her home to rest and be at peace. And I am devastated.

We never thought she would leave us so soon. Having just realized the true severity of her condition only 3 weeks ago, we all thought she had some time to consider other avenues of treatment. I knew deep down that she was very sick. I knew she didn't have that much time left. But I never thought I only had a matter of weeks or days to spend with her.

I can still hear her voice in my head...saying my name...asking me to massage her legs or bring her a towel or tissue. We all got together at her home tonight to recite the Novena for a loved one's passing. And as is the usual custom, we all ate together after the prayers. Being there tonight felt so strange because I still expected her to come walking down the hall or to be sitting in her big Lazyboy chair in the living room.

My dad, mom and I have been to the house every night this week to pray the Novena with my other aunts and uncles but it just doesn't feel the same being there without her. We go there to visit my relatives who are living there...but there's no real reason to stay anymore --- or so it feels that way.

My Ninang was truly the glue that held this family together. She took care of everyone around her. It some ways, I think she waited until I moved back home with my parents to leave us. She was very concerned that I wasn't working and I was struggling out on my own in Torrance. She once scolded me, "USE YOUR BRAIN!!! Move back in with your mom and dad. They want to help you." That was just her way --- always taking care of me...always making sure I was alright. She was truly my "other parent." She was EVERYONE's "other parent." And even though I witnessed her funeral, her burial, and my mind knows the reality, I still can't believe she's gone. My heart is broken. And I know for certain that things are never going to be the same without her.

Ninang, may you Rest in Peace — I will love you, think of you, and pray for you until the day we meet again.

Dolores G. Paraiso (1941-2011)
Click here to view video montage.

An Update on Life: Going With the Flow

For those who don't subscribe to my regularly scheduled drama, much has happened to me over the last 6 months. The majority of my posts to this particular blog have been reviews of concerts and events that I've attended. I wasn't sure I wanted my personal bullshit broadcast on this public forum. So my posts thus far have been very audience-friendly...arts-centric ramblings, if you will. But I did intend for this blog to include some personal musings. Sooo here goes...

After the hullabaloo of the Prince concerts this past summer, something occurred that became the catalyst that propelled me to where I am right now.

I got laid off at the end of May. Congratulations to me, I am now a statistic. I can't garner too much sympathy in this arena because there's a large percentage of people who are in the same boat as I.

Against my original mantra to stay at my apartment no matter what the cost, I swallowed my pride, bit the bullet and moved back to Rancho Cucamonga --- with my family --- at the end of September. I'm not quite sure how well I can emphasize it, but this was an extremely difficulty decision for me to make. I lamented about it for months before deciding. What can I say?  It's not easy to give up the freedom, autonomy, and independence of 11 years. And frankly, it's not ideal to be a 38 year old single woman living at home with the 'rents. The relationship I had with my parents before I moved out on my own was far different from the one we had afterwards. And the dynamic this time around may not be as hard, but I know it won't be easy. Above all else, though I also know that I'm blessed that I have the option to move home. Most people don't have that opportunity. So I'm very thankful that I have a family who's willing and able to help me when I need them. I'm not about to take that for granted.

I'm going on about 3 weeks at home now --- give or take a few days. The majority of my "life" is now in a 10'x10'x10' storage unit down the street. I'm deeply missing "my space"...missing my apartment and my independent lifestyle. But all in all, the adjustments haven't been too bad.

• I hate the 100˚ heat here. My poor car is parked on the street w/o any shade...he's going to deteriorate quickly exposed to the elements. :(
• I hate that my showerhead running full blast has the same power as someone holding a watering can over my head. If you weren't careful, you could lose a nipple in the shower I had at my apartment...the most awesome water pressure I've ever had. 
• I hate that I have to lug my computer up and down the stairs whenever I want to be on the computer while I eat or watch TV. I guess this could be worse... I could have an actual tower setup instead of a laptop...Yeah, that would SUCK ASS.
• I hate that I'm so far away from my regular life in LA and OC. I'm not really trapped in the Inland Empire. I just don't like the thought of going out dancing and then driving an hour just to get home. 
• I miss the awesome beach cross-breeze that I had at my apartment. I'm currently having respiratory problems with the dry heat and smog in this area. Quite a switch from the cleaner, cooler, moister beach air.
• I miss my carpeting. It's all hardwood floors and marble here.
• I miss my bed and my couches.

One of the perks to living at home? I get to see my nephews almost every day. That's something that definitely outweighs everything else. I will never get tired of seeing their beautiful faces. There's nothing like having them recognize you and run up to hug you. And there's nothing like having your baby nephew fall asleep in your arms. I'm seeing them grow up...and experience new things. That's the best feeling in the world and right now, I wouldn't trade it. 

My salsa sister, Debbie put it best --- "This move will only be as good or as bad as YOU make it. It's all up to you." And she couldn't be more right. Yeah, moving back home after living by myself for 11 years really sucks. Having to get used to living with a houseful of people isn't my idea of fun. BUT this move, is ONLY A TEMPORARY NECESSITY. The next things that happen to me...the next job I get...could lead to the most amazing place/area to move into. It's all in the realm of possibility. I just have to keep being as flexible and as open to things as I can be. Life is fluid, I'm supposed to be able to go with the flow....and see where that flow takes me. 

Here's hoping. 

iSad

Steve Jobs passed away today at the young age of 56.
As a Apple/Mac enthusiast and graphic designer, this is a great, great loss.
The man's name was synonymous with the words INNOVATION and CREATIVITY.

I wouldn't be the designer I am today were it not for his Apple computer.
I wouldn't be able to take 5000 of my favorite songs with me wherever I go were it not for his iPod.
If not for his "Smart Phone" my phone would just be...a phone.
Most of us heard of his passing via a device HE invented.
He definitely made his mark upon the world.
And now it seems, things won't ever be the same.

Thank you so very much for everything, Mr. Jobs... Rest in Peace.